


Up In the Air

by notfreyja, Straight_Outta_Hobbiton



Series: Doubt The Stars [10]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Chatting & Messaging, Divorce, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7984873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notfreyja/pseuds/notfreyja, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straight_Outta_Hobbiton/pseuds/Straight_Outta_Hobbiton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim is taking a gap year between med school and Starfleet— sorry, James Tiberius Kirk, MD is taking a gap year between med school and Starfleet. He's got a lot to do— see the native world of his species, figure out what's going on between him and his... Spock. So yeah, he's taking a gap year. He's traveling the world and working some things out. </p><p>He's been in school since he was five. Sue him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The playlist for this fic can be found [here.](https://8tracks.com/starhobbit/up-in-the-air#smart_id=dj:16203706&play=1)
> 
> Follow [not-freyja](https://not-freyja.tumblr.com) and [straight-outta-hobbiton](https://straight-outta-hobbiton.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.

Jim:

What the actual fuck was that?

No contact for a year and that’s your opener?

Flooding my head?

 

Spock:

I apologize. I recognize now that it might have been a shock.

 

Jim:

Why now?

 

Spock:

It was pointed out to me on several occasions that I may have acted rashly.

 

Jim:

Okay.

 

Spock:

I believe my anger was warranted. That being said, I have taken the time to realize they were correct. My reaction to this discovery was excessive, and caused you unnecessary pain. For that, I am sorry.

 

Jim:

Okay, explain how, exactly, you walking away from me— from our marriage bed, I might add— is acceptable behavior?

 

Spock:

If I had stayed, my emotions would have overwhelmed me and I might have killed you. I felt that way for some time afterwards.

You betrayed me.

 

Jim:

HOW?

 

Spock:

If the situation were not what it was, I would say that as a friend, you kept vital information about me a secret from me. Friends do not do that.

Because you are, in fact, my bondmate, I felt that betrayal more deeply.

You purposefully kept the truth of our bond secret from me. Why?

 

Jim:

I didn’t!

I was waiting for you to figure it out for yourself.

I didn’t realize you could be so goddamn boneheaded about your own feelings.

Or mine.

 

Spock:

That doesn’t explain why you did not confront me when it became clear I was not understanding.

 

Jim:

Lady Amanda said it was rude to point out relationships between Vulcans.

You’re a Vulcan.

 

Spock:

But you are not.

 

Jim:

Which leads me to reason number two.

I knew you were going to take it badly, being bonded to me.

 

Spock:

You could not be sure.

 

Jim:

Please, your dreams consist of being the ultimate Vulcan and going through Kolinahr.

I knew.

 

Spock:

Vulcans do not dream. However, I concede your point. Your hypothesis was not unsound.

I was emotionally compromised. I had to remove myself from you and the situation I found myself in until I could think clearly.

 

Jim:

And you’ve had time to think clearly?

 

Spock:

I have spent much of the year doing exactly the opposite. It was not until four days ago that I fully recognized what it is I desire. What I ‘dream’ of for myself.

 

Jim:

And what is that?

 

Spock:

My culture is neither Human nor Vulcan. It is illogical to attempt to align myself completely with one or the other, particularly when neither will accept me fully.

I thought of severing our bond many times over these months, and yet when faced with a decision that would require this process, I chose you.

I choose you, James.

 

Jim:

Don’t call me that.

Nobody calls me that.

I held out hope and you crushed it. I can’t just take you on your word.

 

Spock:

I understand.

Perhaps we might try to rebuild our relationship as it once was? We were friends above all else.

 

Jim:

I think we could do that.

But there are conditions.

 

Spock:

Yes?

 

Jim:

You’re not blocking me out again.

But you’re not doing that flood thing with me again, either.

Both of those things hurt.

Who gave you that idea, anyway?

 

Spock:

T’Pring recognized symptoms of a closed bond. She suggested I opened it.

I may have been overzealous.

 

Jim:

Damn right you were.

I don’t mind if our bond is open the way it was.

Minimal mental contact, okay?

 

Spock:

Very well.

 

Jim:

For now, I only want messaging contact.

I don’t think I could handle a vidcall with you right now.

 

Spock:

Will this condition change?

 

Jim:

Once I don’t feel like stabbing you with a fork, maybe.

Can I ask— what was it that made you decide you didn’t want to break the bond?

 

Spock:

I was accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy.

 

Jim:

Oh, congrats.

 

Spock:

Congratulations are not necessary. I declined their acceptance.

I have instead enrolled in the Starfleet Academy.

 

Jim:

Excuse me?

You what?

 

Spock:

You are able to reread your messages.

 

Jim:

You’re joining Starfleet.

You’re joining Starfleet.

Oh my God, you’re joining Starfleet.

 

Spock:

I am uncertain as to why you are repeating yourself.

 

Jim:

Spock, you’re joining Starfleet.

That’s a big deal.

You never said anything about wanting to join before.

 

Spock:

And yet I found myself filling out the application nonetheless.

I will be following both the Sciences and Command tracks. In doing so my education will be paced roughly to that of a Vulcan secondary classroom.

I may need to take pick up several Engineering classes as well, if only to keep my mind truly engaged.

 

Jim:

Are you trying to catch up to me?

Because it feels like you’re trying to catch up to me.

 

Spock:

If you would like to believe that, you may. I am simply worried that I may grow lethargic in such an environment.

 

Jim:

I always knew you were smug bastard.

You’re going into Starfleet, Spock.

 

Spock:

I am going into Starfleet, Jim.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Amanda:

I think our sons are talking again.

 

Winona:

I think so too.

 

Amanda:

Why do you think so?

 

Winona:

Because Jim just sent me a message telling me Spock started talking to him.

You?

 

Amanda:

Damn. Spock hasn’t said anything to me.

He’s eating properly again, though.

 

Winona:

Oh, that’s good.

Jim isn’t fucking everything that moves anymore, I think.

So that’s one less worry to have.

Still drinks like a fish, though.

 

Amanda:

Still? That’s not good.

How are his grades?

 

Winona:

He’s graduating.

He’s gonna take a year off and travel before actually selling his soul to Starfleet.

God bless my little Captain, they grow up so fast.

 

Amanda:

He’s a good boy.

 

Winona:

Yeah.

He’s crazy, but he’s a good boy.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Gaila:

Jim just messaged me. They’re talking again!

 

T’Pring:

At last.

Spock is more at peace.

And his brother refuses to stop grinning when he comes to poke at his brother after class.

It is disturbing.

 

Gaila:

Sybok’s a nice guy.

He’s just a weirdo.

 

T’Pring:

He is.

It is good they are speaking once more. Now I might convince Jim to come visit me on Vulcan.

 

Gaila:

If he goes I’m following!

 

T’Pring:

Naturally.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim:

_ [Image: Jim is smiling brightly at the camera, which is being held by an unknown party. He is dressed in a thin white t-shirt and cargo pants. His hair is bleached from the sun, and his skin is tanned. There is a sunburn stretching across the bridge of his nose, and there are more freckles than Spock remembers. His hands are balanced on his hips and his chest is puffed out. Behind him is a grimy stone wall painted with the likeness of a heavy, mustachioed man’s face. In a speech bubble above Jim’s head it reads ‘el mal paga!’.] _

Greetings from Medellin!

 

Spock:

You are no longer in the United States.

 

Jim:

Nope!

I’m in Colombia.

It’s beautiful.

Medellin is called the City of Eternal Spring.

It’s 70 degrees outside.

 

Spock:

Why are you in Colombia?

 

Jim:

The girls.

 

Spock:

Is that meant to be humorous?

 

Jim:

A little bit.

Dr. Fonseca is freaking out I’m here.

She says her home country is full of diseases.

If I ever see her again she’s going to hypo me to death.

I can never leave.

 

Spock:

How long do you intend to stay in Medellin?

 

Jim:

I’m leaving for Brazil Saturday.

Gonna go see a giant Jesus and the last tree of the Amazon. 

Then Carnivale.

It’s gonna be great.

 

Spock:

Be careful. Please.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Len:

I mis Joss

 

Jim:

She’s still not answering your calls?

 

Len:

Seh’s nevr gon e so long.. Got the atttetion spa nof a fly

 

Jim:

Len, you’re trashed.

 

Len:

Damn right I am.

 

Jim:

Of course you spell that right.

Is she going to do anything drastic?

 

Len:

Shes not lettin me see Jo.

 

Jim:

Oh, Len.

Has she said anything about why she left?

Like, has she elaborated on what wasn’t working?

 

Len:

Nop.

Jim?

 

Jim:

Yeah?

 

Len:

Thi ssucks

I mis Jo.

 

Jim:

Yeah.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jim:

Egypt was cool and all, but nothing beats the City of Love.

I’m in Paris now, look:

[Image: Jim is seated at a table outside of a cafe. He is wearing a blue jalabiya purchased in Egypt and a cheap black beret. He is smiling around a cup of coffee. Over his head, the silhouette of the Eiffel Tower looms in the morning light.]

 

Spock:

Did you wear that on the plane?

 

Jim:

I got the beret here.

But yes.

The dress thing is comfortable.

I want twelve.

 

Spock:

I do not believe you are wearing it correctly.

 

Jim:

Probably not.

It’s fine though, I’m an American.

We have a history of ignoring the details of cultural stuff like dress and religion.

 

Spock:

Your sarcasm over the matter is worrisome. That is not a reputation most would relish in.

 

Jim:

Most are not American.

My suitcase got lost on the way over.

So this is what I’ve got.

 

Spock:

Are you in need of assistance, Jim?

 

Jim:

Nah.

I like living on the edge.

Besides, I keep my wallet on me.

So I’m good, money-wise.

I think Len’s wife is going to divorce him.

 

Spock:

That must be very painful.

 

Jim:

Not as bad as Vulcans, I imagine.

He’s not taking it very well.

 

Spock:

I imagine not. He has a child with this woman, correct?

 

Jim:

He does.

Jo’s a peach.

She doesn’t deserve what’s going on right now.

 

Spock:

It is likely very stressful, particularly as she is so young. She cannot yet grasp the complexities of her parents’ relationship.

 

Jim:

Exactly.

Anyway, I’m gonna go.

Paris awaits.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jim:

Parisian nights are beautiful.

I see why people fall in love with this city.

 

Spock:

My mother has spoken fondly of her time there.

 

Jim:

She’s been to Paris?

 

Spock:

She spent a semester in the city. She was studying the evolution of Latin languages.

 

Jim:

That’s amazing.

You should see it sometime. It really is beautiful.

 

Spock:

Perhaps one day we shall go together.

 

Jim:

That would be nice.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Len:

I’ve been served.

 

Jim:

Served what, spaghetti?

 

Len:

You’re an asshole.

She’s filed for divorce. I got the papers today.

 

Jim:

Oh, fuck.

 

Len:

She’s trying to take Jo. I won’t let her, Jim. I can’t.

 

Jim:

No, you can’t.

What are you gonna do?

 

Len:

Fight. What else is there to do?

 

Jim:

I mean right now.

 

Len:

Well, it’s four-thirty. That’s almost five.

I’m going to go find a bar.

  
  


*.*

  
  


T’Pring:

Spock has told me that you are currently touring the Terran countries. Are you enjoying yourself?

 

Jim:

Oh, it’s great.

I’ve never seen so many Humans in one place.

How’s school?

 

T’Pring:

Satisfactory. I believe Spock was correct in deciding against attending.

 

Jim:

How so?

 

T’Pring:

He would not have the time to sigh over you.

I like that phrase, ‘sighing over you’. Gaila taught it to me.

 

Jim:

He sighs over me?

How do you know? He’s on Earth.

 

T’Pring:

Spock has the curious ability to denote emotion, even in his writing. Even if that were not the case, he only ever speaks of you.

I respect that you are unhappy with him. However, I believe the time has come for you to make a decision.

Tell me, Jim. Are you willing to take him for what he is, as your bondmate, or has he damaged your relationship beyond repair?

 

Jim:

It isn’t that I don’t want him.

 

T’Pring:

Of course.

 

Jim:

I just think he might do it again.

Leave me.

 

T’Pring:

He likely will. For all that he holds himself to a Vulcan standard, he is quite mercurial. Based on my observation, however, I believe he will always return to you.

 

Jim:

But what if he doesn’t?

 

T’Pring:

Than you do not trust him and you should dissolve your bond. If you cannot trust your bondmate there is no way you can maintain your relationship.

It is that simple.

 

Jim:

You can’t say that.

 

T’Pring:

I can. I can also tell you that his response to the discovery of not only your bond, but your knowledge of the bond, was equal to that of any Vulcan.

If anything, you showed him you did not trust him, Jim. That is not conducive to a bond.

 

Jim:

I’ve gotta go.

My flight’s boarding.

 

T’Pring:

Think on what I have told you, Jim, and decide. It is the only way either of you will heal.

  
  


*.*

 

T’Pring:

I explained to the best of my ability.

 

Gaila:

It’s great that you had to.

Spock’s such a baby.

 

Amanda:

He’s a man, dear. I’ve found that regardless of race, save for a few exceptions, they all have the same hang-ups.

 

Gaila:

Boys are stupid.

 

T’Pring:

I agree.

 

Winona:

Welp, you’ve done all you can. They’ve got to go the rest of the way on their own.

 

Amanda:

Here’s to hoping it works out.

 

Winona:

Of course it will. Jim has a back-up plan.

 

Amanda:

Winona?

 

Winona:

Yeah?

 

Amanda:

You’re an asshole.

 

Gaila:

Mommy already knows that.

 

Winona:

It’s alright. Occasionally I need the reminder.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim:

Mommy?

 

Winona:

Sup.

 

Jim:

What am I supposed to do about Spock?

 

Winona:

Fuck if I know.

Do you love him?

 

Jim:

That’s a complicated question.

 

Winona:

Yes it is.

And no it isn’t.

I followed your father across six states.

And into space.

I also said no when he asked me to marry him.

Twice.

 

Jim:

I’m already married.

 

Winona:

Well, at least that’s out of the way.

Listen Jim, I can’t tell you what to do.

You’ve gotta decide for yourself on this one.

 

Jim:

Like everything else.

 

Winona:

Yup.

You’re married to the stupidest Vulcan in the galaxy.

Good thing he’s half-Human.

He has an excuse.

 

Jim:

Thanks, Mommy.

You’re a real help.

 

Winona:

I know, right? I’m a great Mom.

Where are you right now, anyway?

 

Jim:

Beijing.

I’m going up to Mongolia next.

Then Russia.

If I’ve got the time I’ll cut through Poland and Germany.

Then maybe visit Normandy.

Regardless, I’m heading back to the states via London.

 

Winona:

Nice.

Well, tell me if you figure it out, kid.

But not too long, alright?

I’ve got money on this.

 

Jim:

Sometimes I think Sam had the right idea, cutting you off.

 

Winona:

He’s a sensible kid.

You? Not so much.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jim:

Poland’s beautiful.

 

Spock:

I know little of the country.

 

Jim:

It’s the kind of country that has a history of being marched through.

I swear, these people have some sort of genetic memory.

They all look like they’re carrying the memories of their entire country.

Also, big cheeks.

So cute!

 

Spock:

I will take your word for it.

 

Jim:

I’ve been staying in this village to the south— that’s where Lieutenant Kij’s from.

In fact, I’m staying with her family.

They live at the base of a mountain that apparently got thrown on a town by the devil after they all refused to go to church on Christmas.

It’s pretty neat.

 

Spock:

Human folklore is always a fascinating subject.

 

Jim:

Yeah.

I think I’m homesick.

 

Spock:

For which home?

 

Jim;

I don’t know.

One of the girls here is trying to convince me to stay.

She’s beautiful.

But for some reason…

I’m sorry.

I shouldn’t bring it up.

 

Spock:

I have an attractive wife.

It is logical that others might desire you.

 

Jim:

The whole ‘wife’ thing still makes me chuckle.

Do you think I might be able to visit you? 

Before I join Starfleet?

 

Spock:

Of course.

 

Jim:

Cool. Awesome.

Have you ever had pierogi?

 

Spock:

I have not.

 

Jim:

They’re awesome. Cheese and potatoes wrapped in dough and drowned in butter. 

Lieutenant Kij’s aunt taught me how to make them.

She keeps humming this song about flowers.

It’s sad and lonely and stuck in my head.

But the pierogi are awesome.

 

Spock:

Perhaps you might endeavor to teach me how to prepare them when you visit.

 

Jim:

That’ll be fun.

Listen, I’ve got to go.

Len had his court date today.

 

Spock:

We shall speak later.

 

Jim:

Let’s hope he’s not drunk!

I’ll talk to you soon.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jim:

How was court?

Did you see Jo?

…

Len? You alright?

 

Len:

Sh tok he.

 

Jim:

What?

She took Jo?

You didn’t get anything?

 

Len:

No

Noevn vstatuon.

 

Jim:

Fuck.

Fuck!

 

Len:

Idin kno wwjat to do.

Shesad i ws a drink

 

Jim:

Len, were you fucked up when you went to court?

 

Len:

no.

Just ha da lil somethmg for myu hngovera.

 

Jim:

Hold on. I’m calling you.

  
  


*.*

  
  


The comm’s ringing surprises Leonard more than it ought to have. He blinks dumbly at the glowing screen for a moment, eyes taking a moment to focus enough to read the word JIM.

 

He takes the call.

 

“Hey, Jim.”

 

Jim frowns, expression warped by the size of the screen.

 

“You don’t look too good, Len.”

 

Leonard rolls his eyes.

 

“Hell, Jim, wha’ja think I’d look like?” he fiddles with his whisky bottle absently. It’s nearly empty.

 

“What happened?”

 

“What I thought’d happen.” Leonard rolls his shoulders. “She fuckin’ took her, Jimmy. She took my baby girl. I ain’t never gon’ see her again.”

 

His accent gets thicker when he’s drunk, he knows, but Jim’s got an accent too, sometimes, something sort of Vulcan, sort of Midwestern— like someone who’s spent too much time among both kinds of people. Jim can’t make fun.

 

“Len, that’s not true—”

 

“Joss got  _ everything _ , Jim. All I’ve got left is my goddamn bones.” He pauses, then finishes his bottle. “Scratch that.  _ Now _ all I’ve got left is my bones.”

 

“Okay, Bones, where are you right now?”

 

“In my house, what the fuck—”

 

“In Oxford?”

 

“Yeah—”

 

“Okay. I’m coming over.”

 

Leonard blinks.

 

“Ain’t you backpacking against Europe—  _ across _ Europe?”

 

“I can get back to it anytime. I’m almost done, anyway.”

 

“Jim, no—”

 

I’m gonna be there in five hours, give or take. Okay? The transport won’t take too long.”

 

Leonard opens his mouth to protest, then closes it again. He sighs, hanging his head.

 

“Thanks, Jim.”

 

“Don’t thank me. We’re sobering you up, Bones!”

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jim:

I’m pushing up my plans.

Do you mind if I visit now?

And bring bad company?

 

Spock:

I take it the doctor’s court date did not go well.

 

Jim:

You’d assume correctly.

He’s a mess.

We’re driving so I can sober him up a bit.

It’ll take us three days, tops.

 

Spock:

I will be ready for you.

 

Jim:

You say that, but Bones apparently harbors an immense hatred for you.

I heard all about it when I got here.

 

Spock:

Bones?

 

Jim:

Len’s new nickname.

Screwing with him means he gets to complain, which makes him feel better.

 

Spock:

He sounds quite illogical.

 

Jim:

Oh, he is.

I’ll see you in three days, okay?

 

Spock:

I await your arrival.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Bones’ hands are shaking when they pull up to the giant house that Spock apparently lives alone in, but he showered this morning and put on a new shirt, so that’s something.

 

Still, he needs Jim’s help to get out of the car.

 

Spock is waiting for them on the porch when they pull up, and holds the door open for them both to stagger inside.

 

“There is a spare bedroom on the first floor,” he says, pointing. “Down the hall and to the right.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“I don’t need a goddamn bed, I’m not an invalid!”

 

“You need sleep, is what you need,” Jim says, ignoring the older man’s struggle to break free from his grip. “Shut up and let me help, Bones, Jesus.”

 

Leonard grumbles but stops fighting. He appears to have recognized this battle as a loss.

 

Spock watches them disappear down the hall, then returns to the kitchen for tea. Jim has been anxious, these past days, anxious and frustrated and eerily calm, all at once. He’s made some sort of decision, some sort of decision about them, but Spock can’t quite discern what that decision is— or rather, he won’t.

 

He’s forfeited that right.

 

Part of Jim’s uneasiness has to do with Leonard. They are close, perhaps closer than Spock realized, based on the three minutes it took for Jim to drag the doctor from the car to the spare room. If he didn’t know better, he’d say they are intimate.

 

Well, that isn’t true. He  _ doesn’t _ know better, really. It more that he  _ hopes _ .

 

He is uncertain how logical that hope may be.

 

The replicator beeps at him, jolting him out of his reverie. He pretends he doesn’t hear Jim step into the kitchen, focusing instead of his tea.

 

“Bones is gonna take a nap. He didn’t sleep well last night.”

 

Spock nods, turning to face the blond.

 

“He is having difficulty.”

 

Jim nods, the corner of his mouth pinching down just slightly.

 

“Yeah. He can’t see his kid, so…” he trails off with a shrug. “He’ll get better.”

 

“Do you believe so?”

 

“Yeah, sure. I mean, I got over it.”

 

Spock suppresses a wince.

 

“Jim, I—”

 

“I didn’t mean to— sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” Jim runs a hand through his hair awkwardly. “I just meant… it’s tough, when someone walks away.”

 

Spock nods. He doesn’t trust himself to speak.

 

“I’ve been thinking about… I’ve been thinking a lot, this past year,” Jim says. “About us.”

 

“... Yes.”

 

“And I’ve come to a decision.”

 

“Have you?”

 

“Yeah.” Jim shifts. “I love you. You know that, right?”

 

Spock blinks.

 

“You have… never expressed it. Verbally.”

 

“Well, I do. I always have.”

 

“I—”

 

“So the question is this: do you love me?” Jim shakes his head. “No, that’s not it. I know you love me. I felt it most of my life, even if I didn’t realize it for a while. The question is actually— the question is, do you love me enough to try this again? To do this properly?”

 

Spock blinks. Then takes a cautious step forward.

 

Jim stands his ground.

 

Spock takes another step, then another. It’s easy to reach out, to touch Jim’s face, to slide his fingers along his jaw.

 

“I thought that would be obvious,” he says softly.

 

“I need verbal confirmation,” Jim says. “I feel— I feel it, but I need—”

 

Spock kisses him. Jim is a flurry of uncertainty, nervousness, fear, and then… joy.

 

“We shall try this again,” Spock says, pulling away. “I will not run from you again, Jim.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I learn from my mistakes,” he says. “But promise me something in return.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Do not hide things from me. Please?”

 

Jim smiles.

 

“Even if you should know on your own?”

 

“Particularly if that is the case.” Spock tilts his head. “It appears my own capacity for self-denial far surpasses even Vulcan logic. Do you think that you could manage that?”

  
“Yeah. I think I can do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know... at last! And for those of you that are interested, there is now a Number One centered fic in this verse, and is the direct sequel to "10 Things I Hate About Jimmy," if you're looking for the click-through!

**Author's Note:**

> The playlist for this fic can be found [here.](https://8tracks.com/starhobbit/up-in-the-air#smart_id=dj:16203706&play=1)
> 
> Follow [not-freyja](https://not-freyja.tumblr.com) and [straight-outta-hobbiton](https://straight-outta-hobbiton.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.


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